I am in an odd space currently.
I am in the middle of knowing where I am and at the same time not knowing.
I feel young enough to put a Y.O.L.O on but then again i also feel like I should not be putting the Y.O.L.O without giving something of myself to the society.
I am aching to grow and find something more meaningful and yet I feel inadequate.
I feel driven yet LAZY.
And so i joined in on the wagon watching 13 Reasons Why. It peaked my curiosity when it started becoming controversial.
It has been a mystery to me how people can think of ending their own lives. But over time I have given it a crack to seep through my system that this world has such people. Thus says Zarathustra, right?
While I was watching tape 2, the episode clearly delivers how bullying – the non physical, violent type – plays on nowadays. Bullying was not ever alien or unfamiliar. I think a society without it would probably be a boring one. Wait. Please do not think I tolerate bullying in any form. I am totally against it. I am totally against not knowing when teasing gets overboard.
We all get teased at some point and there are puns and jokes that snaps us off. You know how kids go from laughing and running around one minute and then in an instant someone starts screaming and the fight starts? I think it grows from that. I mean we all had that bout of the swift switch of pleasant becoming unpleasant in an instant.
I do not take suicide lightly. Every time i hear one, i wonder where were this person’s friends? Not an accusation. Just a bewildered wondering of how come no one noticed. And then i got to think of the type of people who i know do or did suicides.
We have the religious ones, the cultural ones, the philosophized, the tired, the bullied, the average.. and there are just no real common ground there. And I guess we would never really know. I don’t think the doers ever thought they even can hurt themselves.
I remember Littleton Colorado – the Columbine Massacre. I did a research on it way back. And I got reminded about it in 13 Reasons Why. Only, in 13 Reasons Why, Hannah did not use guns and trenchcoats – she did tapes. Tapes that slowly messes up the psyche of anyone listening to it.
I think the episode centers on the reality that bullying ruins a teenagers’ mental health, seeps through their emotions making them feel like trash. I heard people say that it is a reason too shallow. I think if it brings a person to decide to commit suicide, then i guess it is not shallow after all. If the person managed to bring up 13 Reasons Why they opted to kill themselves then I guess the person was keeping all these inside while trying to look normal and still be fighting whatever battle until 13 rounds later, life knocks them out.. or they knock life out of themselves.
So look at the normal kid beside you that you plan on teasing or making fun of or spread a secret about. Before you add a drop of playful pain, be cautious. Their response may not be your responsibility, but the first move is always yours.
Choose the option of self-control.
The end of a matter is better than its beginning, and patience is better than pride.
Ecclesiastes 7:8 NIV
Do not say, “Why were the old days better than these?” For it is not wise to ask such questions.
Ecclesiastes 7:10 NIV
This could be the reason my heart rejoices for every sunsets for every sunrise promises a better “today” while sunsets affirms a rocking yesterday.
Trust IS a big word – apart from the inside joke in the movie “It Takes a Man and A Woman.”
Everyday it seems that God does introduce His word repetitively until it makes sense to us. I may have been acquainted with the verse below since the first time my dad introduced it during family devotions:
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart, And lean not on your own understanding; 6 iIn all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct* your paths
In one vantage view, it seems simple – TRUST. But when the thought digs deeper it’s not as easy at as it seems. BECAUSE TRUSTING GOD will test your own UNDERSTANDING.
… 2016 will be filled with lots of adventure I will be asked to Trust God into. I bet.
so what happened in my 2-day-2-night solo stay in La Union?
It was a hit two birds in one stone thing:
1.) It is in my bucket list to be able to travel alone (drive or fly). What’s it like to be a lone stranger in any place at all.
2.) My heart has been longing for a timeout since mid December. For some reason although i got to sneak in a moment of alone time with God i somehow feel that I was and am too busy to digest everything in. I needed to pause.
The 7-hour travel was fun on the first 4 hours. The excitement was there. Yes, it was 7 hours. After the TPLEX , some towns beyond had complete stand still moments comprising the next 3 hours. I didn’t stop for lunch because I was trying to arrive in the area BEFORE lunch so I would have ample time to rest and relax before hitting the waves if ever it got irresistable. The venti caramel macchiato helped a lot plus the marshmallows i brought with me.
I could say during that traffic time, I had already a good deal of alone time with God. That’s one thing I discovered when I had my own car – I can pray out loud.
I brought books to read for the timeout. What I used mainly for the main agenda in my trip was “Hearing God’s Voice” by Vern Heidebrecht. It was a rather fitting read since that is what I want to hear at that time while hearing the angry roar of the waves crashing into each other as it come from whichever side it wants to come from.
I opened another book mid-way since i remembered having the book curious about it – “Praying for Your Elephant”.
I got encouraged to continue with my journaling.
I got reminded that praying is more than just getting answers but it is about my relationship with God – He reveals Himself to me emphasizing His being a Father and not my genie .
Matthew 7: 7-9
7“Ask, and it will be given to you; seek, and you will find; knock, and it will be opened to you. 8“For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds, and to him who knocks it will be opened. 9“Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone?
Somewhere along the way, He said,
Trust me (Proverb 3:5-6)
I am doing something new (Isaiah 43:19)
I need to put my head on things that concern God (Matthew 16:23 … this tackles over sentimentality on things i think)
I am set apart ( I forgot my verse)..
My journey continues on and did not end in that trip. I am very very very relaxed and very very much at peace getting His mind on things and me being able to lay down my concerns to Him. Now i am more excited letting 2016 roll. I know from experience that normally the NEW THINGS He would do is not somethign that is always pleasureable. If it is, then i doubly praise God for allowing me to walk in His will and if it is not, I praise Him nonetheless for showing me areas I needed His grace.
To God be the Glory!
I wasn’t able to add more in the entry yesterday. So far, no rainbows. It is rather gloomy still and really cloudy. The waves were wild yesterday. We’ll see today if i can snag time to surf -wave permitting, that is.
The travel to here was crazy. it took me around 7 hours – left manila around 7:30am; gassed up and left for the road for real at 8:05-ish; got stuck exiting the metro; stopped over till 10am-ish in Bulacan; drove with only lay-by stops (just to experience it) all the way to The Little Surfmaid. The traffic was heavy probably because most people are going up to Baguio for the long weekend plus the Penagbenga festival that I am YET to experience.
Thanking God for the safekeeping, the moment I checked in and dropped my bags, i went out to walk, shoot and FIND FOOD. I was famished. Went to other resort for a late lunch. I also checked out Flotsam and Jetsam – the place i will be moving accommodations to later. Pretty neat that place. Went to El Union Cafe to try their s’mores. There IS no stramger in La Union. I had to share the HUGE serving of s’mores. It is, after all, for sharing. Through the s’mores I got to talk to people who were hanging out at the bar. Unfortunately, i cannot remember their names. THAT is so me.
Went back to Flotsam for the open movie. So far, i enjoyed the chill moment. That was my first open space movie since The Jesus Film. I had to end the night earlier than everyone else. I felt the toll of the travel getting on me. I wanted BED. So I went back to prep for the ultimate reason why i threw myself finally on a long trip north SOLO – to get my thoughts together, lay it before God and get the healing i need. So i can get back on track.
Been dreaming of this time. I finally got the courage to drive North to La Union.
Left the house at 7:30am. I went out to get cash near the Shell station where i fueled up to 700php of nitro plus. Let us see how much Nikki will consume.
At 7:54am i was cruising taft avenue. Traffic is heavy and almost unmoving along A. Bonifacio Ave. Time check, 8:50am with a full bladder. My planned stopover is not till an hour away. A/C is off for now.
It is rather a gloomy day. I am not complaining because on other glorious sunny days, around this time of 8:52am the sun will be beating really hard and will hurt my eyes a bit. So this is good.
Besides a bit of rain is a promise of a rainbow. I am crossing my fingers for a rainbow – God willing. Not only for this day but for the whole time i will be spending the weekend in La Union.
I hope to find God’s smile and peace after this trip. I am disconnected and disorganized in every way possible i needed this time out.
Waiting for my laptop to boot and enjoying the feel of a very full stomach aftwr eating a hefty lunch of katsudons and the endless cabbage, my eyes landed on this pen. In my mind, my hand swiftly picks it up and my mind started to look for any blank sheets of paper to write into. Any piece. Any size. Post its. Anything incan scribble on. I can write a lot of things with that pen.
In my head, i have written plays, screen plays, poems, sonnets, essays, everything…
In my mind….