haha i thought someone else blurted out whats popping in my head for three days now.
im containing it in… in dire hope that the voices in my head will stop screaming and pounding in my head…. i hope they die down before they create another proud coin-sized, hairless spot on my scalp..
in unison they scream, “I’ve had enough”. except some scream the words in slow motion and some in rapid fast-forward succession.
i am a true, full-blooded introvert plus a loner. i would definitely love some alone time and a lot of times i isolate myself from large groups. A lot of times. But that doesn’t mean i push all kinds of social interaction. admittedly though, i do find the need to interact sometimes as regularly as i find the need to be alone. both are essential depending on my terms (or mood).
there is something about technology that destroys connection yet rebuilds it in a different platform.
Just a few hours ago, my aunties were bound to go back to the province early. My temporary car plate says i should not be on the road after 7am. In a normal sense of etiquette and social graces, i should have been able to eat the early breakfast with my folks and my aunts.
but no, i decided to sleep a little longer. we may have had the chance to say farewell but i did not dine with them. instead, after they went to the airport, i prepped for work and went to the fast food chain near my workplace.
tray in hand,
a big excited smile on my face,
i sat down on a long table,
took my phone out,
took a picture of my set breakfast..
and there my breakfast with the social media started.
it was amusing when i review it. but at the same time, even my socially sour mood, disapproved of the whole picture. but it was an entertaining observation of the downslide of real interaction.
As though the pain in the previous post is not enough, i found myself in a healthy, sort of harmless, partly good-to-know conversation. Unfortunately, the topic or object of the conversation is a friend of mine.
i have always found it rude to label a person as gay or lesbian long before they realize they are one. Specially when they aren’t. Unless the person harrassed me at some point or another, i see no reason in feasting over the person’s preference just because they do not fit the norm.
i have always found it disrespectful also when people mind too much about how others prefer to project themselves by the way they dress up and label them also as unlovely.
i feel for my two friends who i was not able to defend at all in that dinner table.
i never liked people who talks a lot about how things should have been rightly done when they themselves aren’t quite at par. it is most irritating when you were the first to recognize these things, but you stop yourself from labeling because you know it would not be fair at all and it is not right. And then these people come up and voice out their own prejudice about you and others without any reservation or hesitation.
But moving slightly away from the scene of the conversation, i praise God. For letting me know how obsessed people are about the norm and how insecure they are with those who break it.
Through this i painfully recognized a portion of what Jesus said on the cross. Forgive them Father for they do not know what they are doing
From a zoomed out lense, though it was hard, i recognize His message of loving both the normal and those who bend the “normal”. In this lifetime, neither will give up their silly posts. One would always think they know better about the other but not about themselves.
i pray good rest despite the painful reality.
i praise God for this opportunity to stay still.
But i do hope He quiets my heart.rightly.
Pain is not absent in this world. No matter how strong any man is, there is a threshold of tolerance in keeping pain managed. humanity. Some pain can be caused by external factors i.e. another human being. While some are caused by internal factors.
Today I learned that most pain we feel are self-inflicted. And most of these self-inflicted pain is also a result of the stack of decisions we did prior to when our senses finally said enough.
I am in pain – feeling neglected.
but it must partly be because i set myself up for it.
what was i thinking?
i was thinking maybe i could have at least had that slight chance of getting considered. Whats the proper word for it? considered that i could have been waiting and a word to tell me not to could have led me to a better decision to no longer wait. This is just lunch break by the way. So yeah it could be a small thing but somehow my feeling says it’s overwhelmingly recognizeable enough i had to engrave it in words.
there is just so much welling up from my heart and it is a battle of whether should i be angry or not.
should i communicate the pain but then what? build up another neglect on me?
how many times have i found myself in this position? and why am i not quick enough to save my own self from being placed in this similar situation?
well i guess, the fact that i simply cannot hold myself back from considering some people, the risk of which is that some will not be as considerate, is the reason why.
we always give a stab at trusting human beings to be as considerate when in fact,
some people would just be unaware of that…
some people may give a damn and some don’t
sometimes i give a damn and sometimes i don’t.
i guess i am just at the receiving end of the “dont”.