Every Strand Counts

About 5 years ago I went thru some kind of something. Hahah even now I cannot quite put it in as a “medical condition” or anything else. Because I was not sick. I was not feeling ill either.
.

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Thankful for each

It just so happened that my mom got alarmed at the clumps of hair clogging our drainage in the bathroom upstairs. There’s just two persons using the upstairs bathroom – me and her. Mom’s hair is short. My hair is long. The hair clump in the strainer is unfortunately long.

Hair fall. So what? They say hair fall of some hundreds of strand is normal. Although that may be true, it is also true that at some point there is a chance that the hair falls are faster than the cycle of the hair growing back.

But of course I did not know that until that time when my mom expressed it.

I was not affected. I knew the first truth on the normal hundred hair falls a day. I have this habit of playing with how i split my hair (though i am not very keen on hairstyling. Its just a hobby). I face the mirror start with my bangs, trace a trail to split my hair on each side from the trail…. and while i was at it, an unusual gap came into view.

It.
Shocked.
Me.

I stared. I blinked. And it is still there.

It.
Was.
Not amusing.

It.
Was.
A little bigger than a quarter.

I knew it was not normal.

It took me a lot of courage to let a voice out of my mouth asking, ” Mom, what do you think this is?”. You see I am a quiet kid. I do not speak a lot about my worries. But this one really concerned me as even I cannot explain it. I felt cold suddenly.

My mom looked at it and knew it was connected to the hair clumps clogging the drain.

I.
Felt.
Weak.

My mom was quick to research on what it is. Being a nurse she is aware of this case. Alopecia areata. The research says. She asks if there are more spots and i think i would not like to know then. If i find out if there was more, i’m probably going to faint ..

..or cry….

…or both..

We quickly looked for specialists to look into my “case”. A doctor looked into it, administered steroid shots on the area. Explained that stress may have caused it. She asked if i am a Type A – personality of the” strict and the must and the shoulds”.  I am.

We went to another doctor. Although yes part of me would believe that stress caused it, i think me and my mom would like to know what else is there. The next doctor recommended me for tests. Thats more like it. Thyroid. Lupus. Negative. And we are back to stress.

The second doctor explained possible causes and yes we still boiled down to stress. The most recommended while my scalp recovers from a stuck-up cycle and my immune system seem to be confused with good cells and bad cells, doctor recommended to stay away from extreme emotions. Balance.

That was years ago. But the whole scene was still fresh. It was a scene of disbelief and yet experiencing God’s embrace through out. I stayed out of hair treatments or anything that may involve even justva little pull at my hair and scalp. The alopecia experience reminded me to stay calm and pray a lot and be mindful of my thoughts.Checking my scalp for tightness every once in a while also helped to check if i am giving myself a hard time or not.

It is weakening enough to be finding yourself losing hair and it doubles at the thought that at the lens of social area i will be looked at. People will be asking “what is wrong?” – a question that even I do not know the answer to.

I have recovered from that bald spot.
Ever since the bald patch on my scalp grew hair, I .always had that hope that my scalp is cooperating well. Every baby hair or groups of baby hair i see sticking out after shower brings me to a thankful daily start.

The case of alopecia that time is rare. But i think the case of it is starting to grow. My heart is with everyone else who is going through this. And i am also praying that their hair will grow back also.

Every baby hair sticking out  counts. My heart still panics everytime a hair strand falls even when im just simply sitting down. But i am also quick to remind myself not to.

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Stop.Think.Talk.

Much as i loved the book by Paul Tripp : “Relationships : a mess worth making”, and much as i am eager to put it into loving action, i had a hanging question in the middle of my mission:

WHEN DO YOU STOP PURSUING?

I usually do not have trouble getting into someone else’s messed up life. But i do have two three that I can remember of which scars are invisibly a mark of great lessons and questions.

When i was sharing the thoughts of the book to another friend, she pops the same question. At that time i did not have the answer because :

1.) I was in the part of the book where giving up was not mentioned
2.) I do not entirely want to know either because stopping and advicing people to stop pursuing would need to take a lot of considerations.

Now, i reviewed my  intention to be purposeful with maintaining and creating(if there is a chance) friendships. Then i realized how painful lot of holding back, patience, patching up back stories to explain how this person ended up behaving like this and that this project requires.

In my own brokenness, back story, social experiences, etcetera, i find myself a lot of times wanting to be cradled in the arms of God for comfort, affirmation and strength to keep on.

As such a cycle gets honestly a little draining, loving people from afar seems more comforting and practical. Detached so to speak.

But when do we say we have done enough? If pain and trauma have been mixed in ain’t time and space suppose to heal it?  No amount of words can be an antidote to that scene anymore. Just a thought.

So now i have the same question as my friend…
When do you raise a white flag?

Turning That Page

We all have that one page in our book we simply can’t just flip over to start the new chapter. The end of each chapter doesn’t mean the story in that chapter ended already. It is just put on hold for the sake of suspense or emphasis. To hang on questions like,

1.) What happens next?
2.) That’s it?

Sometimes we even want to take the pencil and rewrite some things so the next chapters would be favorable.

Truth is, none of those previous chapters were written in pencil but in ink. There is no other way to “fix” the story but to flip the page on to the next chapter and hope for the best.

Human as we are, we will probably still stumble, hurt, make wrong judgments, and recall few chapters back, “what if…”.

“Had i …”

“Was that dream just a mere play of my subconscious or was it a message?”

Until the Author closes the book, we have everyday graces to contribute to a better story – ours and our other co-contributors

Until the Author closes the book, we can treat crimson scars as intro to a colorful ending the Author had in mind the moment we were woven in the womb.

Until the Author closes the book, we are yet to see better and better days of seeing His favor.

Until the Author closes the book, go flip forward and bathe in the warmth of His loving pen strokes as He slowly delivers you and raises you proudly.

simple yet true

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and so the fifty shades breezed by our nation. without much more controversy. writeups stacked up my facebook page with why people should and should be careful about materials like it.

i really would not be surprised if a lot of people watched the movie just to 1.) know what’s in it and 2.) if it would be as graphic as the book.

but among everything else that is related to it, i saw and was affirmed that we are living in a blind world with us people simply wanting to be “cool” in the crowd. Im surprised and yet also glad that none of the pro-ers trashed the people who are “not into” watching the movie. Not everyone will understand the principle behind subliminal participation leading to patronizing what would otherwise be coined as disturbing and sick had the hero in the book been packaged in a different coating.

9gag may have lots of short gags. but this one… is no question a humorously not  laughing matter .. it is humorously truthful and socially and should at least tickle some sense somewhere in the crevices of our socially double-standard brains.