Tape 2, Side B : Definitely Bullying

And so i joined in on the wagon watching 13 Reasons Why. It peaked my curiosity when it started becoming controversial. 

Suicide.

It has been a mystery to me how people can think of ending their own lives. But over time I have given it a crack to seep through my system that this world has such people. Thus says Zarathustra, right?

While I was watching tape 2, the episode clearly delivers how bullying – the non physical, violent type – plays on nowadays. Bullying was not ever alien or unfamiliar. I think a society without it would probably be a boring one. Wait. Please do not think I tolerate bullying in any form. I am totally against it. I am totally against not knowing when teasing gets overboard. 

We all get teased at some point and there are puns and jokes that snaps us off. You know how kids go from laughing and running around one minute and then in an instant someone starts screaming and the fight starts? I think it grows from that. I mean we all had that bout of the swift switch of pleasant becoming unpleasant in an instant. 

I do not take suicide lightly. Every time i hear one, i wonder where were this person’s friends? Not an accusation. Just a bewildered wondering of how come no one noticed. And then i got to think of the type of people who i know do or did suicides. 

We have the religious ones, the cultural ones, the philosophized, the tired, the bullied, the average.. and there are just no real common ground there. And I guess we would never really know. I don’t think the doers ever thought they even can hurt themselves.

I remember Littleton Colorado – the Columbine Massacre. I did a research on it way back. And I got reminded about it in 13 Reasons Why. Only, in 13 Reasons Why, Hannah did not use guns and trenchcoats  – she did tapes. Tapes that slowly messes up the psyche of anyone listening to it. 

I think the episode centers on the reality that bullying ruins a teenagers’ mental health, seeps through their emotions making them feel like trash. I heard people say that it is a reason too shallow. I think if it brings a person to decide to commit suicide, then i guess it is not shallow after all. If the person managed to bring up 13 Reasons Why they opted to kill themselves then I guess the person was keeping all these inside while trying to look normal and still be fighting whatever battle until 13 rounds later, life knocks them out.. or they knock life out of themselves. 

So look at the normal kid beside you that you plan on teasing or making fun of or spread a secret about. Before you add a drop of playful pain,  be cautious. Their response may not be your responsibility, but the first move is always yours. 

Choose the option of self-control. 

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The Regular and the Special

Sub. Under par. Ordinary. Regular.

Un-ordinary(if there is such a word). Special.

I really have no solid train of thought here. I am just tapping away on my phone keys. Just two words swimming in my head : Regular and Special.

Has it ever crossed anyone’s mind how a regular becomes too boring hence we look for something special? And yet both are in infinite loop.

A regular contains the consistency and integrity we want. But predictability tarnishes the comfortable regularity and we thirst for a little “umph”.  The special “umph”-esizes mystery – a gift wrapped in a curious wrapper. It teases the senses and constantly challenges the psyche to try. But it won’t be long until the consistent “umph” reaches its maximum and becomes ordinary – predictable if the rhythm is caught or a plain uncaring tease.

It becomes a regular.

If you want to be special …. try not to be regular.
But if you become consistently special you turn into a regular.

Everything has a shelf life.

We Only Have Now

…. and we cannot be hundred per cent sure there is no more what ifs.

A friend passed away just last week. The weight of the loss did not sink in until the first visit. We are not entirely close but her presence was quiet but impactful.

I sat on the pews of our the church i grew up in a while ago. And for a moment i had this picture in my head that in few minutes i will be approached by her asking how my mom and dad are and if they already have seats. Then i shook my head. Laughed at my own mind’s playful comfort of “the usual”. The usherette. That was her. The welcomer. That was her too. But above all that, two things linger in my head : her care for my family (a very present right-hand of my mom in taking care of my youngest brother, the room i come home to when i was in college she took care of that) ; her care for God’s work (always available and i never heard that a task for God for her is ever burdensome).

It was an odd reunion. We, all who love her, got reunited in a rather mix of sadness and rejoicing. And she, leaving this earth to be reunited with her Master – her Creator – forever now praising and rejoicing in paradise.

Life. It is the swiftest thing there is. If we think time is fast, i think life is faster and with soft-padded paws, it escapes us without us knowing when. She died in her sleep.  Part of me is envious. She escaped earth without pain.

With life being the swiftest thing, i really wonder if our thank yous, i love yous and much hugs really ever get to the hearts of those we want to deliver it to on time?

I answered my own thought after i lingered on the question for a bit . I guess not. I think unless that time
.we will no longer hear their voice
….. we will no longer see them happy even from afar
… we will no longer hear stories about them
… we will no longer share in the joy of how God provided for them

….. when the great divide of the earthly life and the eternity becomes absolute (like in the case of those we know with life-threatening conditions) , we know no what ifs. We are perfect at taking people for granted – even the slightest, unthinkable, hairline-thick occurence.

The Pinky Toe Pain, the Quick Toe Stub

All is well. Or it should be. Funny how a stab of pain can cripple your psyche for a moment. Although the rest of the body is ok, that one portion of pain seem to want a lot of attention. There is a saying in Filipino which translates to, the pain you feel on your small pinky toe is felt by the whole body.

I remember the last time i clumsily stubbed my pinky toe, the excruciating pain from the small part of my body was enough to make me weak. It took me sometime to recover from the pain and regain the pace of my walk.

Same is so true with other areas in our life right? No matter how small, or seemingly useless, as long as it is part of you or your system, the pain radiates through and through, weakens you for a moment that would make you hug yourselfjust to keep yourself together.

Although a lot of things are alright, when the pinky toe stub pain starts screaming,  you know you gotta ice it. Truly blessed is the one who’s got another soul to help them up if not to hold them warm, he will prepare the ice bag.

“Two are better than one, Because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, For he has no one to help him up.”

Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Funny how i am led to study Ecclesiastes….

In Between the Quarter and the Middle

I so thought the quarter life crisis will not show its phase or face until the next quarter which i am anticipating as the normal human being’s Midlofe Crisis.

I am set for starting June by reflecting on things that happened in a year from when i started being the version 3.1 of me. As of writing, i still have less than five hours left to think of 13 things to ask myself to help in regaining focus and balance. BY FAR, i intend to scratch out “what do i want to do?” but i simply cannot because it seems that it’s the bottom line of all the other questions i want to put focus on instead:
1.) How am i at work? If im not doing this work what do i do in place of it?
2.) Can i say i have had enough trying the industry and its the start of another? But what would i want to do that i can confidently say it is what i want?
3.) Do i move? Where to? And when i get there…. what do ido?

Then comes the lifelong question since we girls started noticing boys….

4.) Where is he? If he is missing, do i intend to proactively find him and when i do, what would i want to do?

See… all else falls to the same question.
And it all came flashing it at the same time the cracks in my brain are agreeing with Solomon…

Meaningless meaningless everything is meaningless!

Turning That Page

We all have that one page in our book we simply can’t just flip over to start the new chapter. The end of each chapter doesn’t mean the story in that chapter ended already. It is just put on hold for the sake of suspense or emphasis. To hang on questions like,

1.) What happens next?
2.) That’s it?

Sometimes we even want to take the pencil and rewrite some things so the next chapters would be favorable.

Truth is, none of those previous chapters were written in pencil but in ink. There is no other way to “fix” the story but to flip the page on to the next chapter and hope for the best.

Human as we are, we will probably still stumble, hurt, make wrong judgments, and recall few chapters back, “what if…”.

“Had i …”

“Was that dream just a mere play of my subconscious or was it a message?”

Until the Author closes the book, we have everyday graces to contribute to a better story – ours and our other co-contributors

Until the Author closes the book, we can treat crimson scars as intro to a colorful ending the Author had in mind the moment we were woven in the womb.

Until the Author closes the book, we are yet to see better and better days of seeing His favor.

Until the Author closes the book, go flip forward and bathe in the warmth of His loving pen strokes as He slowly delivers you and raises you proudly.

Read Up Project 6: Brokenness (The heart that God heals)

Finally got to finish the thin book. For such a small book .. it contains a loadful of heart-checking truths. i had to set it aside for a while to gnaw and chew what it was saying, what my heart is saying and what God would want me to do.

For while my heart did get broken in some of the bullets I know there are far more issues my God will use as I continue to still take things in.

this book check on the pride we build for ourselves. that kind of pride that makes us think we’re alright and high and makes us think we are not in need of healing.

this book also made me aware that not everyone who i see as “a-ok” is really a-ok. it’s more than just an eye opener. This one brings you to a level of wanting to keep in fellowship with everyone and pray for them as well.

This one came I think at just the right time -this very season when God is opening my heart to check on myself and be able to accomodate someone else’s humanity. This among the many other reads.

I praise God for this book.

out of space out of time.

out of space out of time.
out of space out of time.
out of space out of time.
out of space out of time.
out of time.
out of time.
out of time.
. . .This line ” out of space out of time” was from the book by Michael Connelly. it was a quote from Edgar Allan Poe’s work.

In Connelly’s book it was used as a suicide note by an investigator whose assignment became too much for him.

Currently I am investigating a bloody UAT issue. and as the clock tick I I feel I AM running out of time.

my head is getting clogged with all the mix of paranoia, negative thoughts, encouraging words, life’s-not-all-work stuff and it IS running out of space.

The two suicides in Connelly’s book used their own weapons totake their lives. The only thing I am far from relating to the character is taking the mouse I am using, placing it inside my mouth and shooting inside my mouth with it.

Gory? and yes, untrue. but it’s definitely inside my head – the thoughts I meant.. not the mouse.

Hahahahaha.